chess

i love mac computers. i do. they are much smoother running than PC, they don't freeze up as much and they have a little better set up when it comes to specific programs. however, when it comes to games, the makers of mac must think that everyone who is using their product is "top of the line brainy-acs." there are no fun games. chess is the only game i have been able to find on my macbook pro.

i would have to say that i am a too wild to play chess. my mind does not think that intricate when it comes to confined situations that have to be thought out in advance. when there is not a lot of room for error, i tend to do poorly, similar to my relationship with math. when one number is off, the whole thing is off. that is why i like grenades, not numbers.

i think that playing chess will sharpen my skills of thinking and maybe one day i will be good at it. i have studied it enough, my mind is too much of a "focus on one thing" type operator.a lion is a good example of this. they see their prey, the hunt their prey, they go strait for the throat; if the prey is stronger than anticipated, than the lion just has to step up his game. but it seems in chess, if you miss by and inch, you miss by a mile.

thank you mac for being so arrogant, now there is no more fun, just work

High

another day passes me by. but i can't really complain, i made the most out of it. actually, today was a great success. i have completed another day in my whole frontier mindset; i am living one moment at a time, enjoying everyday as much as i can. the sun came out today and i was able to catch a glimpse of its warmth. it was one of the most glorious moments this whole winter.

everyday is a new adventure, i never know what to expect and i think that is why i have been loving life.i understand now the saying "high on life".  i hope i never come down from this.

frontier

(it was debated whether or not to use profanity in this blog but the feel of the blog would not be as strong as needed).

being young is a great thing. sometimes i feel like i am in denial, mainly because laura calls me old. however, the other day my professor asked me how old i was and i when i told him he basically said i was still a kid. being almost thirty i don't feel much like a kid… i take that back. i have so much energy lately and i can kind of see how much potential i have at this moment.

when i think back on how depressed i was when i was in my teens and early twenties, i get angry at myself for wasting emotions and energy; i get angry for wasting so much time thinking about myself and focusing on my "problems". looking back, i really didn't have any problems. i could have been a much better person if i just changed my mindset. of course i was being lied to by school and teachers about a "real world" and how i have to act a certain way when i "grow up".

i had the potential to be something great. i could have been anyone and done anything i wanted… but i didn't know that until recently.

a while back my brother sent me a card with a cat looking into a mirror. its reflection was not that of a cat, but that of a grown lion. it's funny how the little things change your life. now, for me, a lion symbolizes strength, power, wildness, living life as a frontier, the unexpected and the courage to take on that unexpectedness. it's like saying "i'm here.i don't know what today is going to bring but i will give it my all". its a way of living by the seat of my pants, no matter what life throws at me i well be fearless in my attack (seize the day). but it's not that i will just do my best, i will succeed. i can be better than what i think. when it comes down to what i am saying i have to quote the movie "the rock" when nicholas cage mentioned something about doing his best. sean connery reacted by stating: "your best? losers always whine about their best... winners go home and fuck the prom queen".

pawn in their game

it's been said that we, law abiding citizens, are just pawns in a bigger picture made up by the government, or big brother. personally i don't really care nor do i think that is true. i think the government is almost as clueless as we are. they know a few more things and have too much control, otherwise we are almost equal when it comes to brain power (thus saying they can be as dumb as the dumbest person you may know- they just have more resources to cover up the mistakes they have made). but to say we are a "pawn in their game" is belittling, only if you think about it that way. anyone who knows how to play chess knows that as long as the pawn survives to make is across the board it will promote into a queen or any piece it may want to be. the queen is the most powerful player in the game. so to say that we may just be pawns in a bigger game is to say that we have the potential to become very powerful.

this is just speculation and may not mean anything to anyone, i just thought that it would make for a good not next time you hear, or say yourself, that we are just pawns in this game of life.

Jail of sickness

i have been stuck inside for three days, sick. i feel like a deadbeat father because my son has been wanting to play all day and i just laid around like a sick dog; except, instead of a sick dog i'm a sick dad. but as it always goes, i felt better at the end of the day; it always seems as though no matter how sick you are, the morning is always the worst and by nightfall, you feel like you were never sick.

now, at this point, it's night fall and i feel great. now that i have laid around for almost four days strait, i feel i wasted almost a whole week of days. sitting around for such a long time i had a lot of time to think. i remember when i was younger i was always journaling and writing and drawing and blogging (if live journal is considered a blog) and lately i have done nothing to escape.

A friend of a friend

death is an unforgivable and unrepentant thief.  
taking from us that which we hold the most dear.  
that which there is no insurance for.  
no guarantee of.  
and no recovery from.
people use the phrase 'lost a loved one' and i hate that.  
i didn't misplace her.
i didn't set her on a shelf for later, then forget her whereabouts.
i did not lose her.
she was taken from me with violent finality and inarguable force.
i couldn't say no.
i couldn't resist.
it was as if i had never been smaller.  
my voice had never been more quiet.  the harder i screamed and raged and wailed against the unfairness of this horrific theft the less it was heard.
she was wrenched from my helpless fingers.
thrown from my view.
and i was left
alone
drenched in sweat and tears
longing to be the one found
DEAD ON THE SCENE
wishing this unspeakable suffering on someone else.
not her.
not her.
not her.

The sound of silence.

I have woken up some mornings before the sun comes up, and I just sit there in silences. There are no dogs barking, the birds are not awake yet, the television is off, my phone is not ringing; all of my responsibilities have melted away (at least for now). Everything in the world seems to be still. I love every second of it. Sometimes it just feels good to be the only one in the world. It is the beautiful sound of silence.

            When the sun starts to peak over all the buildings and trees, the birds start talking, the dogs start barking and everything seems to come to life. It is as though the worlds’ heart started pumping again. The days go by rather quickly. With everything this world has to throw at you it just seems as though we have no time for ourselves. But when the sun goes back down and everyone goes in for the night, that sound of silence comes back. At last, I am the only one in the world again.